August Week 2: Marriage

Pactical advice about marriage

This is one of those lessons to think about, put it in the back of your mind and return to it often.

Talk to your parents and get their opinions about marriage

Assumptions:
- You want to get married
- You want to stay married

If you don't agree with those assumptions, then you can tune out / not listen.

Why marriages end in divorce
1. Financial problems
2. Communication issues
3. Family problems (children, in-laws, siblings)
4. Intimacy
5. Friend problems - faithfulness, committed to marriage
6. Addiction
7. Abuse
8. Personality
9. Expectations
10. Time

Hallmarks of a successful marriage
- Remember the central importance of your marriage
- Pray for its success
- Listen, empathy
- Avoid “ceaseless pinpricking.”
- Keep your courtship alive
- Be quick to say, “I’m sorry.”
- Learn to live within your means.
- Be a true partner in home and family responsibilities

Crucial conversations before you get married (while there is still time to back out)
1. Kids
  a. Do you want them?
  b. How they should be raised / disciplined
2. Money & careers
  a. Who will earn the money?
  b. What is your standard of living?
3. Religion
  a. Morals, values
  b. What if one of you changes?
4. How will you handle fights?  You will have fights :-)
5. Deal breakers and bucket lists
  a. Hobbies, habits
  b. Dreams, life goals

Review the the five suggestions from Hanging Out, Hooking Up, and Celestial Marriage

1. for all Cinderellas and Prince Charmings to throw away their glass slippers

2. don’t wait for others to carry your glass slipper about the campus looking for a match

3. to exercise faith and to have courage in dating and marriage

4. to keep physical intimacy at an appropriate level so as to enjoy the presence of the Spirit and to be worthy to seal your commitment to each other in the temple

5. to not only pray for yourself in a dating relationship but also to pray for the young man or woman in whom you are interested

Other links
Of Souls, Symbols and Sacraments (also see Personal Purity)
Nurturing Marriage - the Carrs

Don't think divorce; don't speak divorce; don't divorce

I can't help but speak up about the topic of divorce.  It is a nasty topic and I feel the need to rinse my mouth to even speak the word.  But it is important to recognize the devastating effects of it in our culture today - so as to teach our children and those around us - so that we can save some soul from its heart-wrenching consequences.

Background

First, I want to make a few things known.  I'm a Generation X-er ... we were the kids who suffered from our parents divorcing at astounding rates in the 1970s and 80s (think Kramer vs. Kramer).  And speaking of that movie ... I remember, as a kid, seeing parts of this movie and was absolutly horrified of it.

My parents did not divorce - they are married today and I praise them for being committed to each other.

One of my good friend's parents divorced when I was in 4th grade.  That experience even devastated me.

One of my relative's parents got a divorce when he was about 21 or so.

One of my good college friends was married for just a short period before he and his ex-wife divorced.

After my wife and I graduated from BYU and started our own family and career, we saw two families in our ward divorce - with small kids.  I still remember the first Sunday after the one couple separated.  The dad was sitting with the kids in the audience and the mom was leading the music.  Their little boy just cried for his mom every time she stood up.  It was heart-crushing to listen to that little plea from that boy.

And then, just last week, I hear another story from my wife about this woman she knows.  In the course of their conversation, this woman just flippantly said that she was considering divorce - apparently for no real good reason other than to just leave him!  My wife telling me this story is what has prompted me to write something about this topic.

But I ultimately decided not to ... until I came across another disturbing bit of information.

Sesame Street and Divorce

the positive spin: two houses

First off, take the time to read this article about how Sesame Street has handled the topic of divorce: "D Is for Divorce: Sesame Street Tackles Another Touchy Topic"  They first tried it back in 1992 - but that attempt failed miserably.

But now they've found a way to put a positive spin on the new topic.  Now kids can see the positive side of divorce as they watch the segment, but then get to try to figure out why it's not so positive when they actually have to live through it.

For what it's worth, Sesame Street did not air the divorce segment on TV; rather it is a segment that was produced only for their website.

What You Can Do

What can you do about divorce?  Stand up and tell people not to get a divorce if they are considering it - especially if they have kids.  This is what my wife did with her friend - she tried very enthusiastically to advise against divorce.  And this is the right thing to do when there is no serious and perpetual abuse.

Talk to your kids about it - tell them that divorce is not ok.  Tell them that marriage is serious and should be taken serioiusly.  It is not something to do and when the going gets rough it's time to bail.  No; it should take work and commitment.  It is precious and worth keeping.  It takes both the husband and wife to commit and step up.

The statistics are out there for those who want to know and to look.  You give your kids the best shot in life by being commited to your marriage.  But when you divorce, you wreck lives.

Don't think divorce.  Don't speak divorce.  Don't divorce.

Additional Reading

The Family Proclamation
Divorce by Dallin H. Oaks
 

Oct 2008 General Conference Notes: Sun PM Session

*Personal commentary, thoughts and inspirations are underlined

Elder Boyd K. Packer

The saints celebrated the nation's freedom despite the persecution they faced by that same government. The saints knew the Lord told them that we believe in being subject to kings ... etc.

Rather than consumed with revenge, the Saints were anchored in revelation.

The leaders of the Church are prepared through the decades to lead the Church.

"Today the sun never sets on congregations of Latter-day Saints."

Elder Russell M. Nelson

Men and women are that they might have joy. That joy comes when we choose the right.

Patterns of the shopper

Some shoppers study ... the best, quality. Some are bargain shoppers ... and find that what they buy don't last. Then there are those who steal what they want.

Marriage is of God. It is sacred.

Salvation is an individual matter. Exaltation is a family matter. The earth was created and this Church was formed so that families can be created, formed and sealed. Marriage is a divine commandment.

"All covenants, contracts, obligations ... that are not made ... are of no efficacy ... when men are dead" These truths are absolute.

No blessings with held from His faithful saints (to those who go unmarried).

Minimize personal demands, maximize loving unselfishness.

As with the pattern of the shopper, we can choose what type of marriage we will have. The best choice is the celestial marriage. If a lesser choice is taken, you can still "upgrade"

Brother William D. Oswald

He shared story of his grand-daughters learning to jump rope. Once they learned the fundamentals they were able to successfully jump.

We all have the responsibility to learn the basic principals of teachings. This can be done by watching other teachers and learning from the World Wide Broadcast on teaching (Feb 2007?)

We can learn from Jesus ... the master teacher.

1) Show love to those you teach and call them by name.
2) Teach from the scriptures.
3) Encourage the pondering of Gospel truths.

Elder Cabaret(?) and Elder (?)

Elder Quentin L. Cook

I had to take a call and take care of some business during the last three talks. I'll have to go back and watch these talks later.

President Thomas S. Monson

Heavenly Father is aware of the challenges we face in the world today.

May we be good citizens in the nations in which we live.

May we be men and women of honesty and integrity.

Contributions to the Church help us respond to disasters throughout the world.

May we be mindful of the needs of those around us and be willing to lend a helping hand.

Continuous revelation is the lifeblood of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

Dr. Faustus: "There is a more searing anguish than fire - eternal exile from God"